I’m Going to Change My Mind

I’m not sure exactly which steps I’ll take, but steps will be taken. I’m tired of living with me. I can’t stand the person I’ve become and the person I’ve been for the last handful of years. I don’t know what happened, but I don’t like myself anymore. I have become more and more easily stressed, impatient, and unhappy. Maybe. Maybe I’ve actually always been a bit like this and now I just have to live with myself in close quarters and I don’t like it. I think the latter is probably closer to the truth.

I’m almost 40 years old. This may be more or less the mid-point of my life. I don’t want to spend the rest of my time on this earth with the person that I am now. More importantly, I don’t want my kids and husband to live with the person I am now. My brain has to change. My habits have to change.

I want to laugh and smile and be content the majority of the time. I’m tired of feeling like an ugly person. I want this blog to become the rants of a crazy-happy person, not the rants of a crazy-crazy person that it is now.

I have some ideas, but I’m not sure exactly what I’m going to do. I decided only this afternoon that I need drastic remodeling inside my brain … pronto. I’ve been headed this direction for a little while now, but two recent events have catapulted me into action: 1) the effect of this blasted pandemic on my life, and 2) I read a book titled “How to Change Your Mind” by Michael Pollan.

I think the former item has likely influenced many of us to take a closer look at our lives. We’re all experiencing changes and inconveniences due to covid-19, and some may even be experiencing immense loss or grief, so I’m going to skip over this topic.

The book “How to Change Your Mind,” however, may not be so familiar to you. The subtitle is: “What the New Science of Psychedelics Teaches Us About Consciousness, Dying, Addiction, Depression, and Transcendence,” so I’m guessing that for many readers, this book may not be on your bookshelf or your “must read” list. But I rather think it should be.

It’s getting late and I need to get as much sleep as I can to face tomorrow with as much energy as possible. But here it is: I commit to changing my brain, and in turn, my life. I will become a person I can love; and a gratefulness journal and more caffeine just aren’t enough to get me there. The journey begins.

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