A few months ago I hated myself. My thoughts and actions disgusted me. I couldn’t shake the shackles of my negative thoughts. I wanted to scoop my brain out and start over. I wanted to escape myself and relieve my family of my oppressively negative presence. I didn’t want to be me anymore. For a long, long time I subconsciously hated myself. I held those terrible feelings up until a life-changing experience in which I discovered that not only do I not hate myself, but I absolutely love myself and that I deserve to be loved and forgiven. During this intense experience of clarity, I forgave myself of all my past shortcomings and promised myself that I would continue to forgive myself each time I fall short of my expectations. I have fallen short a million times since that experience, but every time I get back up faster and stronger.
I chose to exchange self-doubt for confidence and it’s slowly growing. I am proud of myself for where I am today. I am proud of the work I have put into myself and that I keep brushing myself off after every nasty tumble. I’m realizing that it doesn’t matter if it seems like others believe in me or not, I will keep moving towards my goal and approach it in the way that my inner wisdom guides me. I grant myself the grace to stumble. But I will not stay down.
“Fell seven, rise eight” is a Japanese proverb. The statement made an impact on me years ago when I first came across it. Over the years it was buried down into the recesses of my brain by pain, hurt, and negativity. Recently “fall seven, rise eight” reappeared to me in a book that I’m reading and I plan to re-introduce it to myself regularly. We WILL fall down. Again, and again, and again. And what I realized is: if I don’t fall down, I’m not trying. I should not be ashamed of how many times I fall. Because a fall, and then getting back up, signals that I’m putting in the effort and that I care. A fall and getting back up means that I’m still working to improve and that I haven’t given up. So, I will keep falling, and I will try harder to embrace the fact that I will fall. I just need to keep getting up. And then I will get up once more for good measure.