Lazy and fearful

I am lazy and fearful.

Gross! I can’t believe I’m saying that. But let’s alter it to a (hopefully) more accurate statement for today: I have been lazy and fearful. Usch. Still yucky, but getting better.

In all my (40!) years of existence, I would never have voluntarily classified myself as a lazy or fearful human, but if I’m going to be honest and grow from self-awareness, I better just get it over with and accept that I have been lazy in most areas of my life and impaired by fear of failure and judgment.

Acknowledging that there is a problem is the first step towards solving the problem. Awesome! So, now I get to pat myself on the back: “Step One complete!”

Hm. Step One wasn’t fun, but it wasn’t all that hard. I have a feeling the next steps are going to be much more challenging. Now comes the deliberosity factor: intentional DOING. I will set actionable goals to grow towards excellence, to grow towards the me I want to be.

“The first step on the path to positive change is acknowledgement that change is necessary and possible. Open yourself to the possibility of seeing the world in a new way. What do you have to lose?”

— Alex Blackwell

I didn’t realize just how lazy I had become. That I was holding back in areas of my life because I was afraid of failing and being judged for my failures. Of being judged for my shortcomings. I was comparing myself against others and an idealized self. I was seeing myself and the world through a heart-breakingly negative lens. I was exhausted from feeling lost and powerless, but I wasn’t doing anything about it. I was unhealthy in my body and in my mind, conditions that ultimately go hand-in-hand. Not comparing myself to others or an ideal has been really challenging and is much harder than I imagined. If anyone has advice for not fearing judgment and for shedding the habit of comparison, I’m all ears!

I’m on a healing journey. I’m on a self-discovery and self-building journey. I’m on a search for a life philosophy to help guide my goals and my activities. But if I’m not careful, I will drift and wander. I need focus. Goals to guide my progress. I will be creating higher-level goals for the coming year(s) and lower-level stepping-stone goals. Since I’ve become so lazy, I will set goals that touch all areas of my life: personal development, romance/relationships, parenting, diet/nutrition, exercise/outdoors.

How about you? How are you doing these days? What’s been niggling you in the back of your brain for a while; something you think needs to change or to improve? Are you putting something off because it feels too hard, or because you’re afraid of what others might think? If you want a sounding board or a little nudge of encouragement, send me a message!

With gratitude and acceptance,

Dianna

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