For years, I cried tears of grief for children that would never be. I spent days hiding from the world in my bed. Under covers of quilted down and of darkness and of sorrow. I was trapped, thick in the misery of never holding my baby in my arms.
Now I have my babies. They are both crying for me now. I want to be alone, to be in quiet, to be writing. I want to rest my tired arms from holding their sweet bodies close to me. I want to rest my ears from the whining and fussing. But one precious child is on my lap as I type this now, and the other is fussing for me in the next room instead of sleeping.
Like a writer, I sit down with my water, my coffee, and the desire to pour words onto the paper. I pull out my journal and sit down eager to get down the thoughts that have been milling around my mind. But I often bring another tool to the table as well. A breast. A breast exposed and ready to work. A breast prepared to feed and pacify a baby who needs me. The integral tool that affords me five minutes to put words on a page. Currently, my lap doesn’t merely hold my computer, it holds my daughter who blessed our lives nearly two years ago. But part of me – a part I feel rather ashamed of and annoyed with – only wants to be holding the computer.
I want to be a writer. But even more, I want to be a good mom. I want to appreciate my good fortune and especially my children. I don’t want to want to be alone. I don’t want to wish for silence. I had silence and I wished for babies.
I want to feel only grateful and joyful.
Even as I write, I feel the negativity slipping away. I want to hold my daughter and this computer. If it came down to it, I would instantly trade my computer and all my other belongings for just one moment with my babies … so why do I linger over feelings of discontent?
Why do we do this? Why don’t we accept and breathe and appreciate?
We are human. We are animal. We are imperfect.
I am grateful that my almost-two-year-old is here with me, spilling water on the floor, crawling after an unsuspecting bug, licking the spilled water off the terrace, spitting on the floor next to me and squatting to poop in the diaper I will soon remove from her silken, chubby body.
I am grateful for the baby boy who (for the moment) sleeps on my bed, but who will soon fuss to be held and fed and loved. And I will love him. The best that I can. Always working towards improvement.
And with that I will hit “publish,” so that my daughter feels loved and not ignored or neglected. So that I feel like a better mom than a writer.
(Note: Written on Thursday, August 28. I didn’t hit “publish” when I said I was going to, because Baby Boy woke up right as I was typing the last sentence and I didn’t have time to check the settings and add the photo! This paragraph is written with Baby Boy nursing on my lap while Little Girl naps 🥰 )
I’m trying to incorporate motivational, inspirational, and informative media into my routine during chores and downtime. I’m going to share the pieces I found interesting and worthwhile for me.
These first two videos are about mental health and ability, specifically the benefits of intentional breathing and the incredible untapped power of mindset.
The third video is about introverts and their value .. yes, I’m an introvert.
“With anxiety, stress, and sleep dysfunction skyrocketing around the globe, it’s time we look at the unspoken reasons why. These debilitating challenges can be meaningfully impacted with ten to twenty minutes of breathing exercises per day. Max Strom,who has taught breath-work for 20 years, reveals his insights into the healing power of the breath.”
“Dislaimer: The following features stunts performed either by professionals or under the supervision of professionals. Accordingly, the producers insist that no one try to recreate or re-enact any stunt or activity performed in this film.
We’ve admired the pioneering work of Wim Hof for years now from afar. This January however we got an opportunity to spend four days with him in the mountains of Poland. We didn’t know what to expect. We had no idea that Wim was at a place in his life where he wanted to push his findings to the next level….we had no clue that we were his experiments in proving just how powerful the mind is.”
“In a culture where being social and outgoing are prized above all else, it can be difficult, even shameful, to be an introvert. But, as Susan Cain argues in this passionate talk, introverts bring extraordinary talents and abilities to the world, and should be encouraged and celebrated.”
I’m not sure exactly which steps I’ll take, but steps will be taken. I’m tired of living with me. I can’t stand the person I’ve become and the person I’ve been for the last handful of years. I don’t know what happened, but I don’t like myself anymore. I have become more and more easily stressed, impatient, and unhappy. Maybe. Maybe I’ve actually always been a bit like this and now I just have to live with myself in close quarters and I don’t like it. I think the latter is probably closer to the truth.
I’m almost 40 years old. This may be more or less the mid-point of my life. I don’t want to spend the rest of my time on this earth with the person that I am now. More importantly, I don’t want my kids and husband to live with the person I am now. My brain has to change. My habits have to change.
I want to laugh and smile and be content the majority of the time. I’m tired of feeling like an ugly person. I want this blog to become the rants of a crazy-happy person, not the rants of a crazy-crazy person that it is now.
I have some ideas, but I’m not sure exactly what I’m going to do. I decided only this afternoon that I need drastic remodeling inside my brain … pronto. I’ve been headed this direction for a little while now, but two recent events have catapulted me into action: 1) the effect of this blasted pandemic on my life, and 2) I read a book titled “How to Change Your Mind” by Michael Pollan.
I think the former item has likely influenced many of us to take a closer look at our lives. We’re all experiencing changes and inconveniences due to covid-19, and some may even be experiencing immense loss or grief, so I’m going to skip over this topic.
The book “How to Change Your Mind,” however, may not be so familiar to you. The subtitle is: “What the New Science of Psychedelics Teaches Us About Consciousness, Dying, Addiction, Depression, and Transcendence,” so I’m guessing that for many readers, this book may not be on your bookshelf or your “must read” list. But I rather think it should be.
It’s getting late and I need to get as much sleep as I can to face tomorrow with as much energy as possible. But here it is: I commit to changing my brain, and in turn, my life. I will become a person I can love; and a gratefulness journal and more caffeine just aren’t enough to get me there. The journey begins.
It’s been super rough for me the past few weeks. Let me clarify: it’s been rough being me. Some days are super and I can hang in there with patience and positivity, and generally enjoy my kids, my husband, and my circumstances. Unfortunately, most days I struggle to maintain composure for at least a good chunk of the day. I growl, I snap, and I’m ugly. I’m not the person I want to be. I blame it on lots of things: lack of sleep, trying circumstances due to pandemic, teething toddler who is super-needy. In the end, it’s only me who can make my life what I want it to be. It’s only me who can decide to be who I want to be. It’s a daily, moment-to-moment struggle.
The 28th of June I started writing a gratefulness journal to help me see the positive in every day. I wrote nearly every day for three-and-a-half weeks and then I floundered; It’s been 2 weeks that I haven’t written down what I’m grateful for. Well, now I’m starting again.
I am grateful that this pandemic situation will not last forever and things will get better.
I am grateful that Rodney is such a loving daddy and spouse.
I am grateful that both of my babies are asleep at the same time for the moment …
Pretty much every weekend, Rod and I have been taking the kids for a walk by the river. Every weekend that we go, there are women washing laundry in the river. Their children are playing nearby or helping with the wash. I realized it’s yet another way that I am fortunate. When I got home after one of those walks I wrote a reminder on my whiteboard: “You don’t have to wash in the river.”
I just told my mom and sister that if I had enough money, I would have hired a private plane already and gone back to Alaska with the kids and moved in with my sister. Perhaps though, I would be missing out on an opportunity to grow if I escaped back home. I’ve had a privileged life, and these months are certainly some of the tougher ones I’ve experienced in my life. I have to work on myself diligently during this time if I want to survive with sanity intact, and also enjoy life to some extent.
The newest baby just woke up. If it were here right now, I’d hop on that plane in a heartbeat. But it’s not here. Someday, I hope that I’m grateful for this period of time that I am pushed to work on myself. Right now, I’m grateful for my sweet gift of a little boy … and that he just smiled at me and drifted back to sleep.
(that lasted 30 seconds and then a minute later big sister awoke too)
The first post since Baby Lars joined our family and the world!!
P.S. Photos below!!
I just remembered that I can publish a blog post from my phone- so here we are!! I haven’t managed to post from my computer, despite several attempts over the last weeks, so maybe the convenience of the WordPress App is the ticket!
Baby Lars is 6 weeks old tomorrow and is currently slumbering on my chest. He is a sweet lump of baby boy that I never imagined would become a reality. But man, is life really real with two little ones to care for! I’m so grateful that Rodney is here with me and able to lend a generous helping hand every day. It’s because of him that I’m not merely surviving these challenging days. Lars is starting to squirm for my attention, so I’m going to leave this post with what I started to write weeks ago and have unsuccessfully tried to finish several times in the last weeks:
One Poop at a Time: Week 6 Postpartum; Week 15 Coronavirus Isolation
June 24, 2020: I started this post 2 weeks ago and haven’t sat down to write since. Needless to say, I’m finding it difficult to make time to write. But here’s another go at it: From June 12, 2020: 3 weeks and 2 days ago I gave birth to an 8.5 lb baby boy on my bed. I’m not pregnant anymore; I have two children under two years old! It’s truly remarkable how time marches on and how often it feels like we’ve gone through a time warp. How is my baby boy (my SECOND child?!) already nearly one month old, when just moments ago I was pregnant and anxious for him to arrive? Moments before that I was battling infertility with injections and diets and a few moments prior to that I was unattached and chasing lizards in Portugal.
However, at this moment, I’m on the couch in our apartment in Ecuador just weeks after giving birth and finding it harder than usual to find the words to express myself … and perhaps I’m not even forming cohesive thoughts. Bear with me as my tired, breastfeeding-in-the-middle-of-the-night brain tries to make sentences that make sense. I wanted to write several posts in the last 3 weeks, but I am finding it difficult to juggle my various responsibilities and find time to do things like feed myself let alone write a blog post. Right now Py is sleeping and Lars is draped across my chest, alternately staring out at me and then rolling his eyes back in his head as he falls asleep- sweet little mouth wide open. There is no question that I won’t finish this post before Pyra wakes up and I need to go back to priority #1: caring for our children.
I WILL be writing a post about this birth experience, as many friends and family have asked to hear “the story.” I was able to jot down some notes in the previous weeks and hopefully I can get a full account written out fairly soon. I will say this for now: it was all that I hoped it would be, and maybe more. I am forever grateful to our midwife, and feel fortunate to have experienced childbirth in this way. We never left the apartment and barely needed to adjust our daily routine with Rod’s work and with Pyra. My body did just what it was supposed to and has been feeling great. Aside from the stretch marks and little bit of a tummy pooch I still have, I wouldn’t know that I had recently given birth- oh, the huge breasts leaking milk might be a give-away, though.
I (perhaps somewhat foolishly) started a fitness regime 3 days ago that I’ve not been entirely sure I can finish with the rules that I set out for myself (no grains, processed sugar, or dairy; veggies take priority on each plate; daily exercise). I’ve never been good at managing all my domestic tasks and food preparation often falls to the wayside. I often wait until I’m toooo hungry to find something to eat, so I’m scooping leftovers right out of the storage container into my mouth. It’s even tougher now with the new baby and limited resources/grocery opportunities, so I’m not sure what I was thinking. Well, I was thinking that I want to feel GREAT. I want more energy. I want to eat healthier and incorporate exercise into my rather sedentary quarantine lifestyle. I may end up relaxing my rules and just sticking to the exercise program and trying to incorporate more veggie whole foods and less crap … but we’ll see what happens. It’s day three, and I’ll keep trying.
Overall, things have been great since the birth. The first week I felt fabulous. More recently, I’m slipping back into negative thoughts about our situation: missing family, freedom to go outdoors or wherever we want; bored to tears with the “trapped” domestic lifestyle that little kids and quarantine bring about. Thank heavens for technology. My mom and sister responded to my SOS text yesterday, sending love, perspective, and encouraging words that I needed so badly.
Pyra is in love with her baby brother. When I open the door to let her into my bedroom in the morning, she ignores me and has eyes and kisses only for Lars. I do think she is experiencing some jealousy that comes out as grumpy and mischievous behavior, but not any negative actions towards Lars (except pulling his hair once!). (and PyPy just started to call “Mom! Mom! Mom!” in her sweet little voice) * * * * * * OK- back to today. Well, once again, Lars is draped across my chest and Pyra is napping. Not too much has changed in the last two weeks, although now, Pyra can open my bedroom door on her own! She reaches up as high as she can on the tippiest of her tip-toes, and her chubby fingers just barely grasp the handle. But it’s enough to get her inside to see her favorite person in the family: Baby Lars. I’m going to try to keep this brief so I can actually get it done. A few updates: I’m still on the fitness band wagon. Week 3 started today and I’m loving my daily exercises. I quickly learned that it’s way more fun to have Pyra as my workout buddy than trying to find quiet time alone. Much easier too! Her pushups and squats and jumping and “breathing hard” like mom suffuse the experience with joy. The harder part is eating healthy. I feel like I’m constantly hungry, but I’ve been eating tons more veggies than usual and I have steered clear from grains, processed sugar, and dairy. I’m not super strict though: I just ate some dark chocolate pieces and I indulge in tastes of Rodney’s desserts and beer! I’m excited to accomplish 8 weeks and see how I look and feel at the end.
I’ve gone out a lot more recently, taking over some of the responsibilities that Rodney had single-handedly been covering on his own when I was pregnant. I’ve started to do some of the veggie/fruit shopping (especially since I’m needing more produce these days!), and have gone to the bank several times to pay rent and bills. I also took the kids for their vaccines, one kiddo each on two different days. Free healthcare for our little Ecuadorians at the local Centro de Salud. Getting there was good exercise for this recently postpartum mom: approximately 2-mile walk there and back. END PREVIOUS POST
Back to Tuesday, June 30- I AM still on the fitness program (wooot for me!) and plan to stick with it. Here’s the end of this post for today- my heart goes out to all my new-mommy-and-daddy friends, dealing with the challenges of new parenthood on top of the challenges of life during the pandemic.
Someday this will all be behind us and we’ll sit in the sun together, side by side without masks and recount tales from those crazy, stifling days of coronavirus isolation. Until next time,
Baby Boy must not realize that I’ve been marking off each day on the calendar for the last couple weeks, eagerly awaiting his arrival. He either doesn’t know that his due date has come and gone, or he just has a mind of his own. One way or the other, Baby Boy was “due” yesterday, but clearly isn’t ready to make his appearance yet. So we continue to wait and tonight I cross off another day on the calendar.
The last few days I’ve been walking the stairs of our apartment in a sort of squatty walk “with legs like a frog” as my midwife suggested, and today I spent 20 minutes on the exercise ball swiveling my hips around to encourage the baby to descend and my pelvis to loosen (at least I think that is what I was doing?). I also try to get into an “all fours” position several times a day which is supposed to encourage baby to move into a good position for delivery … and is nice to relieve pressure on the back and hips too.
While I worked on the ball today, I set Pyra up with her favorite “toys” (a handful of dice- see photo below and a couple more at the end of this post) and a Spanish language learning video borrowed on hoopla that she seemed to really enjoy. The video is part of a language-learning program for kids age 0-6 called Little Pim, available for multiple different languages. You can also borrow videos for free through your library, hoopla, or even Amazon Prime, if you’re a member. Pyra loved the images of real babies and children playing and counting and also the familiar objects (i.e. spoons, socks) and animals (i.e. dogs, cats, birds) that she was happy to point out. It was our first experience with the Little Pim videos, and I will definitely be checking out more of them.
I’m a little disappointed that I’ll probably need to sweep my floor and clean the bathroom again before I start labor- I was hoping I had done that for the last time before Baby Boy arrives. But I do appreciate that I had enough time and energy to make the blondies that I’ve been craving for months! That 13×9 pan of deliciousness on my kitchen counter will help me get through these last days (or weeks?!?) of waiting for baby. I’ve got a generous corner piece of blondie waiting next to my hot tea for me … and so I think I’ll cut this short. This pregnant old lady is more than ready to recline, enjoy her treat with a Harry Potter audiobook, and wait for Baby Boy ☺️.
It’s been 51 days since Pyra felt grass under her toes. 51 days since my sociable, sweet girl interacted with another child (in person). 51 days since my active, almost-20-month-old has run around outdoors and climbed something other than furniture or a parent. 51 days … and how many more?
But that’s the question we’re all asking right now, isn’t it? How much longer? No matter what our personal situation is, it certainly isn’t what we’re used to, nor how we want to live for an extended amount of time. You may have acres of outdoor space to romp in, but your activities or income are hindered. Maybe you go to work regularly, but you’re a little nervous about exposure to a virus that will be written about in medical and history books. We aren’t living our “normal,” no matter what our “normal” generally looks like, or even if we like our “normal” or not; but we certainly don’t want this current way of life to become the new normal. On that, I believe we could unanimously agree?
Anyhoo. 51 days of isolation. But here are some other figures that have been knocking around my head recently as well:
38 ½ years old
38 ½ weeks pregnant
51 days of isolation due to a global pandemic
That darn “51 days of isolation” snuck back in there, refusing to be ignored!
My age and maternity situation just boggle my mind sometimes. I’m halfway through my 39th year of life and not only am I mother to a scrappy-sweet toddler girl, but I am also quite pregnant with a child whom we are told will have a penis and scrotum. Incredibly blessed to have the girl-boy combo, but did I mention that I’m 38 ½ years old?! At one point, I thought that 33 years old was sounding a little on the “old” side for starting a family. Ha!! That was back in 2014, when I first became pregnant and was ecstatic to begin our next phase in life; unfortunately, the next phase was “infertility rollercoaster” instead of “joyful life with munchkins.”
Yet here we are! Life is wonderfully uncertain and can always be counted on to throw a wrench – or a whole toolbox – into your plans and lead you down paths that twist and turn unexpectedly, frequently resulting in experiences and circumstances that we couldn’t have dreamt up, but wouldn’t change for all the cheese and bread in the world.
“Where would I be right now If all my dreams had come true? Deep down I know somehow I’d have never seen your face.
This world would be a different place. Darling, there’s no way to know Which way your heart will go”
For me, though, it’s not so much “which way your heart will go,” but where life’s twists and turns will lead you: almost undoubtedly away from your dreams, but very possibly into a beautiful, unexpected reality.
I wish I had been able to start a family when my body was younger, but I couldn’t. I wish I could have had babies without ever experiencing a lost pregnancy, but I couldn’t. But I would never choose to turn back the dial and do it over because I don’t know who I would be or where I would be in that alternate universe … I certainly wouldn’t have Pyra crawling into my lap for a toothy, slobbery kiss. And I likely wouldn’t be 38 ½ years old and 38 ½ weeks pregnant, in Cuenca, Ecuador.
I don’t really have a lot to say on this front … not much changes over the weeks, except for the size of my belly and degree of weariness. I did leave the house for a couple hours last week- what a momentous and exhausting day that was!
I walked 40 mins (to avoid taking a taxi) to an ultrasound appointment. 40 very uncomfortable minutes because of my dang uterus. I had planned to enjoy a leisurely walk to the appointment as it would be my first lengthy walk outdoors in weeks, but instead I had “false labor” contractions* the entire way, which made the walk quite unpleasant and I just wanted to get there and stop walking as soon as possible. By the time I was a couple blocks away, I also had to pee so bad I was afraid I wouldn’t make it to the appointment with dry clothes. Thank goodness I’ve kept doing kegels now and again. (that means that I made it to the appointment without peeing myself!)
Anyway, the ultrasound went well and the results were reassuring. Baby boy has grown (although still small on the overall spectrum), my amniotic fluid and placenta look great (I didn’t even know that they can detect if a placenta starts “wearing out” but I guess they can!), and overall everything was super. The walk home was much better; my uterus must have been reassured by the good news and had settled down.
The previous day was also unusual and also because of prenatal medical appointments. However that day, the appointment came to my apartment. I was able to book a local hospital lab to come to my residence to take my blood and urine samples using WhatsApp (which is extremely common here as a primary means of communication, much to my delight). I sent the order for the tests by text and the lab even confirmed the appointment (in-person by text, not a robocall) on Sunday evening for the Monday morning appointment. They arrived at 8 am (30 minutes earlier than the appointment- so much for the Latin American stereotype of arriving late, right?) and the two technicians were in full protective gear, down to booties over their shoes. They proceeded to efficiently and painlessly draw several vials of blood for my prenatal bloodwork right at my dining room table, with Pyra and Rodney observing from a distance.
Everything went without a hitch, until they asked me for my urine sample. That is, they didn’t provide me with a sterile container and ask me to fill it … they just wanted me to hand over an already-prepared urine sample. Apparently, I was supposed to get a container at the pharmacy and have the sample ready, but nobody had enlightened me on this local tradition. The lab was kind enough to swing by a couple hours later, which gave me time to pop out to the pharmacy a couple blocks away and pick up the 25¢ sterile urine cup and fill that sucker up.
Can you imagine this scene? Waddling down the stairs of my apartment building with my huge belly, buzzing myself out of the security door and gate, my urine sample held discreetly in a paper towel and hoping that the neighbors all stay put? At least it wasn’t a stool sample, I suppose. Anyway … it all went well, and the results were accessible online by evening and showed everything to be normal. $70 for a lab to come to my home, take my samples, run a full panel of blood and urine analysis, and then have the results available remotely within 12 hours. What. A. Deal.
The only other thing I can think of to write about is that yesterday we finally inflated a kiddie pool for Pyra, and that has helped to eat up the long afternoon hours. We’ve waited for weeks to bring out the pool because the weather has been quite gloomy and rainy here. But yesterday we had a break in that trend and I blew up the pool. Like most kids, water play is one of Pyra’s most favorite activities, and the pool is the best $10 we’ve spent in months. However, the fun ended abruptly this afternoon when … can you guess what very predictable event happened? When a toddler is freed from the confines of a diaper and allowed to splash in a pool naked? Yeah. The afternoon water play turned into an afternoon of disinfecting the pool and terrace. Whoops. Silly mom. I just love to see her play naked!! But it was enough work for me that Pyra will be splashing around the pool with a diaper on for awhile.
I feel there were probably more interesting things to write about, but I’m done with writing for today. The magnetic force pulling me towards my pillow and bed is too great for me to withstand. I hope this ramble finds you well. Much love to you.
*I am convinced that I have an “irritable uterus.” From what I have read, I get an abnormal amount of Braxton-Hicks “false labor” or “practice” contractions. I had them a lot with Pyra too. This pregnancy feels worse, but I might just be more sensitive to them now. It’s crazy … sometimes I’ll just get one after another, after another, after another with only a minute or two between. And I think they frequently last longer (more like a minute) than “normal” Braxton-Hicks contractions. Usually, they are sporadic and I don’t mind them much at all, but when they keep going and going and I’m trying to do more than just lie around … it’s uncomfortable and annoying and I feel more than ready to be done being pregnant!!
My mood matches the weather. There’s a light misty rain falling. The clouds are high, so it’s not too dark; I can still see the mountains in the distance. It’s not a storm battering the earth with thunderous flashes of lightning, not even a drenching downpour to temporarily flood the streets. Just a half-hearted drizzle. Maybe when it’s over, the sun will appear from behind the clouds and the world -as viewed from our apartment windows- will feel brighter and fresher. One can hope.
I had some pretty great days in the past few weeks since I last posted, but this week was a greater struggle to maintain mood, perspective, and sanity. I was more tired in the last few days than I had been. The exhaustion exasperates the thinning patience of the afternoon and feelings of despair … that this situation has no end in sight. It often feels that there is no escape from the unchanging drudgery and constant responsibility as caregiver; that I have nothing to look forward to, no enjoyable activities, no hobbies to pursue without distraction. Even now, while I’m having “me time” in the back bedroom with the music in my headphones turned up, I can hear Pyra crying. It will only be for a moment … but I can’t completely tune out and escape, and when I try (like right now) I frequently end up feeling guilty. But. The drizzle has now ended and the clouds are a lighter grey- I am feeling better too. A little caffeine, a little quiet time, a little writing … these things do often help lift me out of poor spirits.
Today is the 36-week anniversary of Little Boy’s gestation. If the pregnancy continues without complications, we should see the tiny nameless man for the first time in 2-6 weeks. I can’t believe we’re already so close to his arrival. I can’t believe that I will be even more tired than I am now for at least the first week or so after his birth. I can’t believe these unchanging days will continue on and on indefinitely and that wandering outdoors with my babies without fear of illness is in some distant, almost unimaginable future. I can’t believe Tiny Little Man is unlikely to meet other humans (not to mention my family back in USA) for months after his arrival and that Pyra will continue to live without social interaction for so long.
I know I should just be grateful for our health, for all of our privileges and good fortune … but hormones and brain chemicals are tough competitors and they’re continually nudging negative perspective and self-pity to the surface of my turbulent sea of emotions. I try to push them down and argue them out of existence, but they persist. It is pregnancy hormones? Is it the dreary weather? Is it lack of sleep? Is it an unbalanced lifestyle? The uncertainty of our living situation? I suppose it’s a terrific mash-up of all of those options, plus others that I’ve currently forgotten or haven’t even yet considered.
There’s Pyra crying again. I’ll have to go relieve my guilt soon. Shower her with kisses … and hot water. Rod went out to the grocery stores twice this week after several weeks avoiding them, and yesterday he brought back a little plastic baby tub for Pyra (we don’t have a bathtub in this apartment, just showers). I plan to let her play in her tub for a long time while the hot shower washes away my negativity and the fun new water activity eats up some of the afternoon.
It’s so terrible of me to write during these moments of heightened distress. It’s an ugly distortion of my general existence and state of mind. Yet, that’s generally when my writing bug bites … not in the midst of satisfaction and joyful moments, but when the mood drops and yearns for some release, a means of expression that might help dissipate the unwanted feelings.
Well, I’ve not really provided much of any update except for my negative feelings. It feels like there’s nothing much to report, but I know I should make an effort. Let’s see. The washing machine won’t work and the internet is often slow or not functioning. Hm. No, that’s not a very good start. Let me try again.
I received some sourdough starter from my favorite bakery and have been semi-diligently feeding it. I’m still waiting for adequate energy to coincide with inspiration and timing to attempt my first baking with it. Meanwhile, I’m developing a nice amount of discard to make crepes with one of these days.
The midwife came for a week 35 checkup and everything seems to be well with Little Boy and me. Next week I’m supposed to get an ultrasound and blood and urine tests as we approach “full term.” I have no idea where or how that will transpire. I have left the apartment building only once in the last 5 weeks, and that was for approximately 30-40 mins and within a couple of blocks. I don’t know how far I’ll need to go, how long I’ll be out, nor if I can accomplish the tasks with one outing. I don’t want to unnecessarily increase the risk of getting corona in the last weeks of pregnancy, so I will be avoiding any transportation and walking my big belly wherever I need to go. I’ll report back when it’s all accomplished.
Pyra is a bright light in our lives and her development is entertaining and wondrous to experience. We are so lucky to have so much time with her! She is a cheery and active 19-month-old girl. Some of her favorite activities are: being naked; climbing, jumping and tumbling on the couch; playing with water; picking out new pants and socks to wear; watching and trying to pick up bugs; playing any sort of chase or rough-housing with mom and dad.
Py’s spoken vocabulary is still surprisingly limited, and hilariously pronounced, but her comprehension is phenomenal. Her physical abilities definitely outshine her verbal skills at this point. Pyra has great balance and strength and loves using her adorable body in physical play. She climbs in and out of her highchair on her own, climbs up onto a twin bed for diaper changes (with the motivation of almond and raisins for a treat), pushes a chair around the house to facilitate her reaching things she not supposed to or watch mom and dad in the kitchen. She isn’t overly clingy, but she loves snuggles and kisses (generally with a wide-open mouth involving teeth and tongue) and to be near mom and dad. Pyra enjoys music, watching family videos, FaceTiming with her grandparents, Auntie and cousins (in fact she often pats my computer and says “Papa, Papa, Papa” to request a FT call), and exercising with mom and dad- although she’ll often randomly bust out some “pushups” throughout the day, on her own too.
We appreciate her appetite and acceptance of a wide-range of foods. Some of her favorite foods include: peas, almonds, raisins/grapes, oatmeal, avocado, grenadilla fruit, banana, papaya, mango (pretty much all fruits), quinoa, noodles, sourdough bread, mushrooms, veggie soups, smoothies …. really, she likes so many things, it’s hard to make a favorites list. She even likes to take little tastes of ají (a local take on hot sauce). She’s getting really good at feeding herself with a spoon or fork. I even let her go at a bowl of yogurt and meusli with banana, and a surprising majority made it into her mouth.
Ok, well, my mood has lifted with the clouds. While the sun might not have actually appeared, it’s brighter both outside and inside this apartment and I’m ready to re-join my family. Time for Pyra to try out that new bath tub and for me to wash away the last of my gloominess.
I wish I had made this update during a cheerier mood … I feel like I misrepresent my overall disposition and that it’s not exactly uplifting to read my whiney rants. I don’t want to leave people with negativity. Oh well. This is where I am today, at this point in time. I plan to post some photos of Miss P to help lighten the mood. I wish the best to everyone out there, and hope that you’re managing your current situation with more grace, generosity, and patience than I have been. By admitting my less-than-satisfying recent perspective and behavior, I intend to make improvements. This is kind of like a pity-party that ends in a pep-talk. It’s somewhat embarrassing to reveal and share with others, but also an effective way to get my act together. To show myself just how low I’ve stooped and motivate myself to make changes.
All of a sudden I remember the much weightier trials that many loved ones are facing during these same times. Death. Illness. True tragedies. And I feel silly and petty for my behavior, mood, and perspective. I should feel silly and petty when I compare my “trials” with the real adversity and sorrow that others are facing. Why can it be so hard to push the “reset perspective” button, sometimes? Ugh. Now I feel ashamed of my feelings … not enough to push me lower down … enough to lift my chin a bit self-consciously. To be grateful again. Grateful for all of my good fortunate in a slightly inconvenient and uncertain time.
Anyway. That’s it for now. Rant over. Much love to everyone out there dealing with their own personal demons, with the coronavirus, with whatever life is flinging at them right now.
Our adventure grows more and more interesting- I suppose that holds true for just about everyone these days!
Today is Saturday. On Monday, we moved into our “permanent” apartment on the last day before the isolation mandates from the local government became much more serious. We didn’t “need” to move until Thursday, and had planned a leisurely 4-day transfer to our new home. That was when confirmed coronavirus in Ecuador was limited to a single family in a distant city. Things changed quickly as our local government started to take preventative measures. We hadn’t even started packing when we heard that we needed to start home isolation on Tuesday and that Monday would also be the last day that the grocery stores would be open for regular business- good thing we had stocked up a bit on dry good and diapers already!!
I went to get the keys for the new apartment at 10 am on Monday (an hour earlier than scheduled because the owner of the apartment was getting out of the city to her country home in front of the impending “lockdown”). I got the request for an earlier meeting around 9 am as I was heading to our favorite local bakery to stock up on sourdough bread (3 loaves of classic and 4 loaves of seeded whole wheat ☺️). The bakery was serving one client at a time, and since we had ordered ahead, they had it packaged up and ready to go. I was glad to see they were already taking precautions to reduce risk to themselves and their customers.
Because we have no car and we needed to get all our stuff moved in as little time and as few trips as possible, I took a backpack and stroller-load of groceries and baby clothes with me to the apartment via taxi. Rodney stayed at home with Pyra so she could nap, and to limit our exposure. The driver wore a mask, but no gloves; I had neither. I had intended to handle all my luggage myself, but he started to help before I could say anything. I asked him how he was doing and he said he was a little scared. No kidding. Talk about an occupation that not only holds a high level of risk to contract the coronavirus, but will also likely be restricted or forbidden for an extended period of time.
I returned to our temporary apartment Rodney had started to pack up and together we finished packing and cleaning up in just a couple hours. A generous and dear friend had agreed to help us move back when coronavirus was much more abstract, an illness only affecting people in far-off places. All of a sudden the risk of contracting the virus was much more real. This friend decided she would still help us, despite our assurances that she was completely free of any obligation. Luckily, we were completely ready, and it only took two trips. We skipped any hugs or direct contact, and we were moved over and done with our old apartment in about an hour and a half. WHAT A RELIEF!!! We are so grateful for the generosity of our friend who no-doubt should have been getting groceries or tending to her own family’s needs, but chose to help us out. It was incredible and we are so thankful!! We didn’t make it to the grocery store that day, but we were completely moved and were supplied enough with necessities to survive awhile. We are Lord and Lady of our own little apartment ☺️.
So, this is only our 5th day of isolation and living in our new apartment, but it feels like so much longer! With nowhere to go, and nothing much else to do, we were able to clean up, organize and move-in much faster than we normally would have. In three days we were feeling pretty settled-in, despite the fact that we hadn’t been able to acquire many items we had intended to … like sheets for the beds, furniture for the terrace, and a couple of toys for Pyra. Luckily we were insane and brought SO MUCH STUFF with us from the US; having our favorite kitchen items and household goods on hand has helped out a ton during these crazy times. It has also helped me feel a lot more “at home” to have so many familiar items with us. I never imagined how important it would be to us- we had started out feeling pretty frustrated with ourselves for schlepping so much “crap” from the US … no regrets now!!!
Having to stay inside with Pyra with limited resources for entertainment hasn’t been easy, but it hasn’t been awful either. Kids love everyday items so much more than toys anyway. It’s just been a game of “what to let the 18-month-old run around with?” I’ve been much more lenient in what she’s allowed to handle … and I think that’s been good for both of us.
We have small terrace which was one of the highlights of this apartment, and I am so happy we stuck to our guns and made outdoor space a priority. It is wonderful!!!!! Pyra and I stripped down to our skivvies to scrub it down after discovering that to play on it meant tracking in enormous amounts of filth. I put on my maternity bathing suit (thank you, sweet cousin, Emily!) and scrubbed that terrace on my hands and knees. It was much more fun than it might have been because I let Pyra help; her giggles and nude little body entertained me as we washed away the grime.
Rodney did go to the grocery store once this week as we realized we needed more “flavor” for our cooking. We were so spoiled before all this started: going out for lunch or dinner several times a week. We’ve had to up our cooking game, and we realized we needed more options to create tasty meals. The grocery stores are open for only 30 customers at a time, so we were concerned that he might have to stand in line for a long time. Additionally, we had heard reports that some stores were refusing customers if they didn’t have masks or gloves. We haven’t purchased masks, but we wanted to get to the store one last time before coronavirus was in Cuenca in great numbers. So, Rod donned a bandana for a mask and winter gloves and ventured out with the stroller and backpack, looking ridiculous but as prepared as he could be. Fortunately, he arrived at the store at a good time and didn’t have to wait at all. Products were in good supply and Rod came home with lots of goodies to help us get through isolation with more convenience and less desperation. The ahí (a local take on hot sauce), eggs, and corn chips have made my life so much happier the last few days 😆.
So here’s the subject that concerns me the most: giving birth to a baby (who lacks a developed immune system) in the middle of the coronavirus pandemic. In Ecuador. Far from medical attention that I’m familiar with or trust. Far from family support. Far from ideal.
I am INCREDIBLY grateful that we were recommended to a midwife and we were able to meet her several weeks ago. I joined a childbirth preparation group that she leads and have been getting to know four other women who are due to give birth in the next few months as well. Despite so many uncertainties still lingering, I am not alone in this … WE are not alone in this situation, and we have a small support network that is so, so, precious to me.
Even before the issue of coronavirus had infiltrated our everyday lives, I was feeling super apprehensive about using the hospitals to give birth here. Nearly all hospital births are cesarean in this country and as I’ve been told by locals, the patient has very few rights. I even heard that random people (the doctor’s father) may be allowed in the room to witness the rare and fantastical vaginal birth, while spouses and family members may be denied access. What, what?! I was told that doctor’s don’t track c-section rates, because they are so commonplace and that of the vaginal births that do occur, 9 out of 10 are with an episiotomy. (Can you see me cringing and shrinking back with horror?!?!?! Because I am!)
Rodney and I were SO relieved to meet the midwife who is a professional (certified in Mexico) with tons of experience (started training in Columbia at the age of 17) and is incredibly empathetic, knowledgable, and makes us feel very confident in her (and our) abilities. Unfortunately, we can’t combine the assurances of modern medicine of the hospital, with the experience and knowledge of the mid-wife. The hospitals won’t allow her to be our primary provider, or even to be in the room during delivery. So we are pretty well set that we will be having this baby “at home.” Not what I had imagined when I first discovered that we were pregnant again; I had visions of a comfy North American hospital birth, with my mom and sister in attendance for support. Yeah, well, that’s not happening. We decided that dual citizenship was a higher priority for this little guy than my ideals for giving birth.
Of course now, I’m not even sure what is most responsible for me to do in terms of check-ups, ultrasounds, etc. Thank goodness I’m healthy and this pregnancy has had zero issues/complications! We still have to figure out whether benefits outweigh the risks to get the usual checkups and then an ultrasound later on as we near the due date. We have yet to discuss these concerns with our midwife. We still have a little time to make decisions and feel more comfortable: I complete 32 weeks tomorrow, giving us 6-8 more weeks before baby boy should arrive.
Until Next Time
Well, I should wrap up. Rod gifted me with time to myself, and I’ve spent it rambling away here. And now I hear my sweet little Py knocking on the door looking from Mommy. Actually, she melted straight to tears as Rod turned her away in an attempt to keep her distracted and let me be alone a bit longer. I should get back to my family so he doesn’t regret offering me this spectacular gift!!
Please take care of yourselves and your families. Respect government actions to help prevent the spread of this virus and protect the vulnerable individuals in our community. You may be healthy and fight off coronavirus easily, but your actions could potentially endanger others who wouldn’t be as lucky. People will die. But we can each help to reduce those numbers.
Much love and wishes of health and peace to you all.
I wrote this post two days ago. And to be honest, I cried really hard today. Cried about being an introvert in a place that will be super-hard to make new, real friends. Cried about being so far away from my family. But that little sob session relieved some of those emotions that had been welling up the last weeks. Here’s what I wrote two days ago:
* * * * * *
I was a bit homesick, feeling unsure, and … unsettled the first week we were here in Cuenca, Ecuador. I was desperately exhausted from the 24 hours of travel with a busy no-nap toddler, pregnancy, and change in elevation (Spokane, WA: 562m/1,843ft vs Cuenca, Ecuador: 2,560m/8,400ft). I also wasn’t feeling especially confident about our move; the initial culture shock and realization of how far I am from friends and family weighed on me more than I was prepared for. Fortunately, it didn’t take too long to recover from travel and only a few more days before I began to feel more settled about our decision to stay in Ecuador for a while. Familiarity with the town and language helped a lot and catching up with some friends lent even more sense of support and security.
So here we are, two weeks and two days into our stay (actually four days, since it took me two more days to get the photos uploaded after I finished writing this!!). So much has already transpired, I can’t believe it’s only been two weeks! Here are a few of the things that make me feel like it’s been longer:
we found and leased an apartment already!! We had been looking online since our arrival (and even before) without much luck. A wonderful local facilitator was able to show us three apartments in an afternoon and one was so great that we decided not to look any further- now that’s apartment-searching success!
we have joined a local midwife’s childbirth preparedness group. The first meeting is tonight, but we’ve met with the midwife already and feel really great about having her guidance in the next couple months (2.5 months until 40 weeks?!). I have been craving a greater sense of support and confidence for this birth, not that anything went wrong with our first birth, but … I want something more/different for this one. I’m hoping that this midwife will be instrumental in helping me create the support and build the confidence I’m looking for.
I joined intermediate-level group Spanish lessons: a much-needed opportunity for challenge and practice that has kick-started my language usage
we’ve met up with friends at a local festival celebration in the park where we got to meet more families, and Py and I joined a playgroup session to catch-up with friends and make new ones.
we’ve been exploring our current neighborhood, primarily by enjoying the delicious inexpensive local food (large lunch for $3 can’t be beat!) and frequently going to the park to play
we’ve hit our favorite bakeries and tried some new ones (discovered a bakery nearby that might just have my most favorite sourdough bread in Cuenca yet! I can’t believe I hadn’t tried them before?! I’m smitten with the old-world style breads and can’t wait to talk more with the owner!)
Rod has been to the mercado four times already, and I think I’ve been 2 or three times- fresh food is so great!!! Guacamole from fresh and flavorful avocadoes and tomato, deliciously ripe papaya with lime, snacks of pears and strawberries, veggie soup packed with fresh local produce … oh man, oh man. I really don’t like cooking these days, so the instant pot we brought is proving to be SO WORTH IT! At this elevation, it takes forever to cook grains and legumes and pressure cookers are the only way to go. Rod tried cooking black beans the last time we were in Cuenca, and after a day of soaking and several days of cooking, those beans were still hardly edible! We couldn’t believe it. I’ve made black beans, lentils, and brown rice with great success, and just made a veggie-only soup last night that took so little time, but tastes amazing (Py devoured it for dinner and had some with breakfast- me too!)
OK, I’m sure there’s more, but I’ve got to wrap this up before the pip-squeak starts her chatter and wants out of bed. She sure is enjoying all the time we spend walking and being out-and-about. Our very friendly and social Py gets to wave and interact with so many people, pigeons, and dogs 😀